


This Silence Is Mine

by soulcomposer



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Fathers Day as that was the day I decided to write it on, Self-Worth Issues, stevetonyfest gift exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 14:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4267371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulcomposer/pseuds/soulcomposer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anonymous said: Hello I was assigned to you for the SteveTony gift thing :) I’m not skilled in art unfortunately but I would love to write you a fic (although I am not very experienced) so feel free to send me a prompt request of your choosing :)</p><p>Omg please give me loads of angst where they argue and have self-worth issues and break up and say mean things to each other/avoid each other (but a happy ending, of course). THANK YOU. You’re the best <3</p><p>The title is taken from the song called “This Silence Is Mine” which is from the Drakengard 3 soundtrack that I’ve been obsessing over as of late. Feel free to listen to it while you’re reading it because I was listening to it while writing this. Here you are chrisdoritoevans :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Silence Is Mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chrisdoritoevans](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=chrisdoritoevans).



> I really hope you enjoy this as I pretty much was in writers block for the whole ending part and unfortunately I couldn't work out breaking them up but I hope the "happy" ending does it justice ;~; please don't hate me. I tried. This was my first ever exchange.

Its Father’s Day. 

Tony sighs as he takes another sip from his coffee, scrolling with frustration through his news feed. He considers himself techy, obviously, and in doing so, likes to stay in touch with everyone as much as possible whenever missions are few and far between. 

But on this day… 

This is one of the days out of the year that he likes to shut himself away from the rest of the world. All this fascination and ordeal over thanking fathers and father figures everywhere for being there for their children no matter what they were going through. Accepting them for who they were and for their accomplishments no matter the path that they chose.

Yeah, right. As if. 

Well what to do instead… Maybe tinker on Dummy for the xth time to make him functional enough to contribute something good to society. ‘Who am I kidding? That’ll never happen’. He looked over at Dummy, his first accomplishment and then looked at the blue-green interface of Jarvis; responsible for keeping the Avengers tower running. Jarvis is the closest thing that Tony had growing up. From helping him through equations at MIT as well as making sure that he was keeping track of what day and what year he was in. Jarvis was there through every painful moment as well as the comical ones, enforcing and becoming used to Tony’s blatant use of sarcasm. 

Tony being as lost in thought as he was failed to hear the knocks on the door. 

“Tony, you in here? Are you alright?” 

‘Shit. Steve. Pull yourself together. No signs of weakness’ 

“Yeah I’m here. What’s up?” Tony tried his best to cover the disappointment in his voice. 

 

“I was just wondering what was plaguing your mind enough to have you ignore my very present knocks on the door” He chuckled to himself before making his way to Tony to take a good look at him. 

He couldn’t tell where the dark circles under Tony’s eyes were from this time: the 2am tinkering, or the insomnia, or just straight up stress. But he did take a guess as to where the red rings around his eyes derived from. But he didn’t say anything. Instead he pulled Tony into a hug albeit awkward for Tony was still sitting in his rolling chair and ended up having his face pressed firmly in Steve’s stomach. But he didn’t mind…Tony closed his eyes and sank into the warmth that was being provided by Steve. He held him close and nuzzled him and Steve knew that whatever was happening right now was something that he knew Tony needed. 

“Do you want to go out somewhere? The movies? The mall? Starbucks?” Steve tried suggesting to Tony to get him out of this slump. 

With each suggestion heard Tony felt a pang hit his chest with pain. Memories that he should have had with his father all those years ago but instead were spent with his nannies and his lab. Instead of doing the stereotypical father/son activities such as going to theme parks together and learning about cars, etc the only place he took comfort was behind four walls and gadgets. 

“If you don’t mind I’d rather spend today inside. It’s Father’s Day if you didn’t know already. I’m not sure if that was a thing back in your day, but in these days it’s one of the many money-making gimmicks that is highly celebrated...and invasive” He didn’t once look up at Steve as he spoke this, didn’t want the vulnerability in his eyes to show.

What would Steve know? Perfect, obedient, good-hearted Steve. Compared to rebellious, ungrateful, little Tony whose praise was stolen from him. 

“Why are you sounding like I grew up with the perfect family? I lost both my parents at a young age so the closest parental figure I had in place was Bucky. To whom I owe my life for always looking after me and treating my wounds when I decided that my body’s limitations were no match for my will. You’re not alone in this you know? Stop thinking that you’re the only one who has it bad. There are worse out there.” 

That hurt. That hurt loads. It’s not like Tony grew up with immigrant parents who could barely fend for themselves and much less a kid on top of that. He had the luxuries he had the funds to never go hungry and was in never any desperate need for anything fundamental...just emotional.

“Damn. I’m sorry Steve. I just get so wound up when I look back at how far I’ve come. I mean I’ve saved the world I’ve helped secure the future for this country. But more than that and even if I were to find the cure to disease and discover the elements linking to immortality. None of that will ever replace and make up for the disappointment that I’ve been for so many years of my life. At least you saved yourself the burden of feeling worthless by having your parents die youn-”

The burn left on the side of his face was still felt several hours after that. Tony didn’t flinch, he knew he deserved to be treated like shit. He had this coming. He knew he didn’t deserve anyone at all and less someone like Steve. 

“How could you say that Tony? Do you really think that just because I didn’t have the parents to remind me of my flaws that everyone else didn’t jump at the chance to do so in place? Every time I tried to enlist and every time I was rejected with sneers and kicked around for fun. You at least had your intelligence to fall back on. What was I? Some weak kid interested in fine arts and passionate about helping others. A recipe for just asking for it. Tony I’m sorry but you haven’t even scratched the surface of being born a disappointment because that, that’s what I was” 

‘Good job Tony. You’ve really outdone yourself this time.’ Tony really was struggling with eye contact today and even more so after his fine choice of words. He sighed and started to slink away as far as he could from Steve shutting the door on the way out leaving Steve with a bewildered face. Guess he’s going outside, after all. 

He kept his eyes to the ground the whole time as he walked down the sidewalks of New York City which today were especially brimming with the smiles accompanied by strong familial ties, familial ties of any kind that Tony would have loved to have himself. He walks into a Starbucks and orders a grande iced coffee to cool him down and takes a seat in the far corner trying to hide as best as he can from everyone. Why did he have to be this way? Couldn’t he be grateful? Why does he have to be so inadequate with both himself and the people he loves? Tony presses down on the scars on the bruises on his hips that come from training just a little harder than he should be with Happy. 

‘How do I fix this he asks himself? I literally just told Steve that he was better off not growing up with parents. Hmmm. I’ve got it!’ Tony finishes the last drops of his iced coffee and smiles to himself as he darts out the door and into the nearest bookstore he can find. 

‘Art supplies...where are the art supplies’ He heads to the back where the entertainment magazines end and the stationary begins and just starts stacking sketchbook upon sketchbook and pencils and colors until he reaches the threshold he can walk to the register with without dropping everything. He lays out all the items by the register as the cashier just stares and tries to process as many apologies and questions that Tony tries spurting out at the same time

“This isn’t for my father or any father of any kind, this is for my boyfriend and I messed up. Badly. Again. Like always. And I want to fix it, but I don’t know how, and I know he loves art and draw and I’m not sure how I can get across an apology without catering to something he really cares about. Something he actually cares about. Which really shouldn’t be me...Please help me” 

It was definitely an image to see what with the messy hair sticking out in all kinds of wild ends along with the flailing hands and the agony clearly visible in his eyes. 

“Stop. Just stop.” Tony lifted his eyes to look at the cashier that looked like ready to give Tony slap number two of the day. “Buying things isn’t going to fix this problem of yours. You don’t just buy someone for forgiveness. You have to mean it and you have to actually confront them instead of hiding behind petty gifts. This is what’s going to happen. You’re going to go back to your boyfriend and you’re going to do something that the both of you love doing together in order to make up for today okay? Today is supposed to be a good day. A happy day. Regardless of what kind of family or lack of you grew up with. You two are each other’s family now alright? And right now he needs you to be there with him.” 

To say that it was hard to hold in the tears would be an understatement. This cashier someone who doesn’t have a clue about his life just saw through him like paper and laid his priorities out damn quick. He knew what he had to do.

He paced up the street and back to the mansion pacing back in forth as he waited for the elevator to take him back up to the floor where Steve was hopefully still at and also hopefully not preparing to plow him to death and leave him broken on the floor. He is not going to run away this time as he does every time he shows a sign of weakness. He is going to give Steve the attention he’s deserved to have for a long time. 

There were going to be hugs, and there were going to be kisses, and there was going to be a lot of nerding out over video games, and netflix, and cupcakes, and of course pizza. And it was going to be great. It was going to be the best damn Father’s Day they’ve both ever had.  



End file.
